‘I am so done with men. I am going gay.’
I do not subscribe to the school of thought that limits our circle of friends to the cliched chorused “show me your friends and I will tell you who you are”.
Kenyan women are frustrated. Angry. Seriously, we all just need to exhale. Deep exhale.
There are two things wives in this universe hate most, the lack of unity among their men's socks and side chicks. They have learnt to live with one of these. However, centuries later, they still cannot wrap their fingers around the loose, homewrecking, whoring, monsters that are side chicks (or mistresses as nobody calls them nowadays).
I'm not even kidding, side chicks are monsters, literally! How else are they able to steal grown ass men from their lawfully wedded wives? They obviously must be kidnapping them against their will and raping them. If not, I don't understand how else side chicks steal husbands.
One day, patriarchy sat down and deliberated how best men could cheat around without having to bear the blame or shame or take responsibility. It came up with a resolution. So far the resolution is performing beyond expectations. The resolution has two main clauses.
One: Taken men shall take part willingly in cheating on their spouses but never should they take the blame. If anybody tries to blame the committed man, quickly remind them that men are naturally polygamous. Repeat this until they believe it.
Two: Society shall unanimously blame the woman who has a relationship with a committed man. This is to ensure that wives (or main chicks) focus their energy on the side chicks instead of the men who took vows to be faithful to them. They shall further be called demeaning names and shamed to cleanse the men of any wrongdoing.
I wish no woman would sleep with another woman's man. But I've come to know that life is messier than we think.
So of course, side chicks must bear the wrath for having a vagina and using that vagina with someone who vowed to another woman to never even look at any other woman. Hooray! Problem solved. We found somewhere to dump the blame without really blaming the right person. Isn't patriarchy genius? Something we all aspire to be?
Some wives have mastered this resolution word by word and they've each gone ahead and fought a thousand side chicks who are stealing their husbands. I must commend the determination of these women. Fighting a thousand side chicks (sometimes there will be a long ass chain of them) when you could have just confronted your husband and demanded fidelity from him just like he demands from you? But what do I know?
We must all therefore conveniently forget who really owes wives. What good will it bring if we all acknowledged that the people who really owe wives fidelity are their husbands and not side chicks? That side chicks owe absolutely nothing to wives? No good, it will only mean that married men will have to start being accountable for their actions and that sucks. Taking blame sucks. Ask side chicks. We must also forget that the person who is obligated to respect their marriage is the husband, not the side chick.
In the process of castigating side chicks, never ever forget to call them gold diggers. Never bother that some side chicks are also cheated by the same men and only realize they're side chicks months into the relationship. Never ever bother to consider that some side chicks truly love the men even as wrong as it is and they're in it just for some happiness even if it's in trickles. Never ever consider that almost all the side chick relationships started by the taken man hitting first like he was single. Instead, it's important you lump them all together as gold diggers for easier shaming.
And of course never ever forget to use your favourite line, “He will never marry you!” Because again, every woman's worth is pegged on marriage.
Now before you all get your undies in a knot, I wish to state that for the sake of sisterhood, I wish no woman would sleep with another woman's man. But I've come to know that life is messier than we think.
Main chicks, I'm really sorry I have to burst your little bubbles but here is the truth: If your man is cheating on you, only he is to blame. He is cheating because he wants to. Your man cannot be stolen. If he can, then I'm sorry to break it to you but you don't have a man, you have a bag of crisps. So wake up and start holding your men accountable for their actions. They owe you, side chicks don't.
“The day I will ever meet you, I will slash your throat!” Ken roared in anger
“Before you slash me, I will split up your brain and extract all the stupidity out of you!’ Alice shouted back.
“I will divorce her soon, just hold on a little longer.”
We were all duped that men are always happy, it is only women who can be bitter. We forget about men who are as bitter as badly brewed beer. Men full of raw anger they could tear a hippopotamus apart. And you can always tell these men apart.