“Babe do you know about a certain guy from Facebook called Nyakundi?”
“Which Nyakundi? The famous butcher who delivers fresh pork in Nairobi?” I said this sarcastically knowing too well who Nyakundi is. At this point I am writhing in anger because I thought my man was too busy in the C-suite to follow Nyakundi!
“No, the one who is slicing women in pieces. My friend Tim has told me to check him out and my first instinct was to call you.”
Of all the nice pickup lines men have used on me since I was 16, bubbling with pubescent energy, this baga could only ask if I were single?
“Oh thank you hun. I don’t follow him on social media either. I tend to focus my energy on positive conversations that resonate with my spirit.”
I hung up the phone and cursed that idle Tim in my mother tongue!
While men are sipping coffee at Vila Rosa Kempinski deliberating on serious projects like how to win the 2022 Presidential elections, Tim is busy distracting my good man with some ‘boy child’ is depressed nonsense!’ Tofyakwa!
Away from Nyakundi shenanigans, the Kenyan Single woman over 27 needs to be given a break. The other day I was seated next to a handsome guy in an Embassava matatu on our way to the city centre from Embakasi. The guy who noticed the title of the book I was reading ‘Im 30,Single and I Don’t Care!’ had the nerve to greet me and ask me if I was a single lady. Can you imagine? Of all the nice pickup lines men have used on me since I was 16, bubbling with pubescent energy, this baga could only ask if I were single? As if he didn’t ruffle enough feathers he continued to shoot more below the belt bullets!
‘Madam, please don’t be mad! I think the biggest joy in a woman’s life is to have a husband by her side. At 30 aki umechelewa! Mwathani! This dude had some electric nerves!
“Yes sir. I do have a man. Jesus. And for the record I- am -27!”
“Usijam. That age unless you get a second wife title which will be better than staying single and deceiving yourself with such books!” He said this while turning his wedding band as if he thought I would steal the cheap silver band or better still rob him from his wife!
At this point I just shut down. I knew so well that the teacher in me may think that we are in a classroom and whip that boy child’s ass properly.
So, I breathed in and out. I remembered that going to jail for assault would leave my student in trauma! “Teacher beats up innocent passenger” would be the headline in newspapers that would sell like ‘tuko pamoja slogan’
My anger aside, I think the most awesome people you will ever meet in Kenya are single women over 27! Yes please roll your eyes. Single women over 27 like yours truly have fewer problems than our married counterparts!
We sleep better at night without being woken up at 3 a.m. by a drunk man staggering from 1824. We also work twice as hard because if we don’t pay our bills, no one else will! And no, not all of us have sponsors, God is the only Godfather some of us know. We are disciplined. We pay taxes. We respect the government even when they seem to have no special fund for single people (aki we need this) and we pay our tithes faithfully.
As we speak my suitcase to Burundi is packed. I am headed there for a week long French exchange program at the University of Burundi. Yes, I speak fluent French! Then the best part, I don’t need to ask for permission from my husband!
Yellow-fever certificate, check, (quite overpriced, Sh 2,500).
Ticket, check. Off I go. But before I leave, for those in the smear campaign against us, saying things such as:
1. That we are lazy
2. That we are desperate for marriage
3. That we are husband snatchers
4. That we can only survive with ‘sponsors’
5. That we envy married women
6. That we love married men.
I have a shocker: This is generalization BS.
On the contrary, at 27 and above, we have been there and done all that.
We have tasted quite many terrible relationships, gone through terrible bosses and we still swing our hips and walk with our heads high.
Our aunties (most of them in dead marriages) are always on our case, referring potential suitors to us, who look terrible at first sight. These aunts who no longer ask you if you are happy, who don’t implore you to enroll and start your master’s degree but who are more concerned to see you with a man-even a dumb, stinky, ugly guy is better than no man at all, according to them.
I dare say that we need to be given a break. We are awesome people! Really. We laugh, we have strong girlfriends, we work hard, we pray, and we move the economy. I believe God himself has a special place for single women and he fights for us because He knows there are no men to protect us at home. So, the next time you are tempted to give Nyakundis and other chauvinists a high five, keep this in mind! God-loves-single-women.